How to Get Closure When They Won’t Give It to You
Ah, closure! The closing credits, the curtain call of your relationship. In a healthy, easy breakup, closure is simple. You say what you need to say, wrap it up with a bow, and go your separate ways. You may even have a ceremony or verbal agreement for how you’ll move forward with your relationship in its new form. If that’s you, kudos to you for having a beautifully mature breakup.
But let’s be honest, it doesn’t always happen that way.
One of my more, let’s say...passionate...breakups ended in a firestorm of angry shouting, followed by him blocking my number. It felt awful. We ended our last call in a fit of full-on rage.
The next week, we had cooled down just enough to exchange our belongings. And after that, he cut off all communication. I wanted to honor that, but the wound was still very much open for me. I had no closure, no mutual parting of ways.
Can you relate to that? To the feeling of being unfinished and incomplete in a relationship?
Maybe they ghosted you, maybe they broke up with you out of the blue, maybe the relationship ended with no explanation. Whatever the case, you’re looking for closure.
If you’re looking for closure from your ex, you first have to understand a few things:
You can’t control the other person’s choices.
No matter how much I wanted it, I couldn’t force my ex to have a conversation with me. If he didn’t want to talk, then I had to respect that. You are two people on two separate paths. You can only take care of your path and let your ex handle theirs, even if it’s not the way you want them to and you know there's a better way to do it. Once you accept that you have no control over that person, you will find freedom and get a little closer to the closure you seek.
Closure is not external; it comes from you.
This idea of closure-- we approach it as if it’s something the other person has of ours. But that’s actually not true and it’s an incredibly disempowering thought. Closure is something we create for ourselves. We can choose to have closure...or not. Maybe we’re not ready to fully let go, and that’s ok, but it’s your choice. I didn’t have full closure from my ex for about two months after the relationship, and that was my choice. Then, one day, I realized I was ready to finally let go, and that’s when I held a closure ceremony for our relationship.
Waiting for someone to give you closure is disempowering.
Any time you’re waiting for something to happen, you are NOT in the driver’s seat of your life, and you’re actually giving someone else the steering wheel. There’s zero power there!
Once you understand the three principles above, it’s time to do the prep work to start letting go.
The need for closure is usually covering a deeper need. To uncover what’s underneath, follow the steps below:
Ask yourself: what do I actually need?
This is something to work on in your journal. Excavate and uncover the deeper need underneath your need for closure.
Do you need to be witnessed in my anger?
Do you need to be seen?
Do you need to know I’m a good person?
Do you need love?
Do you need to feel connected?
Do you need to know I’m going to be ok?
Do you need to restore my faith in love?
Do you need to restore trust?
Then ask: how can I get those needs met without my ex?
Back to your journal! Ask yourself how you can meet your own needs without reaching out to your ex. It’s incredibly empowering when we finally realize we can give ourselves the love we desire, we can create trust within our own community, and we are going to be ok. You don’t need your ex to meet these needs. You can absolutely make it happen for yourself.
Ask for what you need (but not from your ex)
One of the most vulnerable things to do is to ask for help. The people around you are essential during this time. Who do you trust to hold you, to help you, to listen to you? You have the capacity to fulfill many of your own needs, but some other ones require another human being. Maybe that means reaching out to a friend or joining a community of likeminded people. Find places where you can reach out for support and vulnerably ask for what you need.
If there is something you need to hear from your ex (like an apology), a great exercise is to write a closure letter from the point of view of your ex. Include all the things you need to hear to get closure. Address it to yourself. During your closure ceremony, open the letter and read it out loud. Thank your ex for saying those things. Then destroy it-- tear it up or burn it.
Once you are clear that closure comes from inside yourself and you’ve done the work to excavate what’s underneath, it’s time for a closure ceremony.
Put together a ceremony that feels aligned for you so you can finally let go of the relationship and move on fully.
At the end of the day, this process is such a gift! Giving yourself the gift of closure releases you from the relationship, and you’ll find you’re really giving yourself the gift of liberation.
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