How to Stop Thinking About an Ex
If I were to say to you “whatever you do, don’t think about a purple polka-dotted elephant,” what’s the one thing you will probably think about?
You got it! A purple polka-dotted elephant.
That’s because our thoughts are stubborn. They like to rebel. They like to push back. And the truth is that what you resist will persist. So the harder you try to stop thinking about an ex, the more you will think about them.
The good news is that there is a strategy you can implement to help you stop thinking about an ex.
Before we get to the strategy, here’s the first thing to know: you and your thoughts are separate entities. You are not your thoughts; you are merely an observer of your thoughts. When you embrace this concept, you can see that there is a clear separation between you and what you’re thinking.
This creates distance between you and your thoughts, so you can notice your thoughts and remind yourself “oh, that’s just a thought. It doesn’t have power over me.” This starts to give you some of your power back, and will allow you to find much more joy in your post-breakup life.
The next thing to do is to stop trying to stop thinking about your ex (I know that sounds complicated-- stay with me here). In other words, stop resisting it so hard. Of course you will be thinking about your ex after a breakup. It’s normal. You’ll be wondering what they’re up to, who they’re hanging out with, if they’re thinking about you too.
This person is no longer in your life. So you’ll naturally feel a void where they used to reside. It makes sense that your thoughts will go there.
Allowing, acknowledging, and accepting these thoughts (instead of pushing them away) will minimize the power they hold over you, and little-by-little, they’ll start to shrink.
The best thing you can do is create a strategy for yourself when these thoughts come up. Here are some steps you can take:
Notice.
Just noticing is a very powerful skill. You don’t have to do anything. Sometimes just identifying the thought is enough for it to lose power over you. “Oh that’s me thinking about my ex again. Cool. Bye, thought.” Once you have noticed the thought, if it’s still lingering, move on to the next step.
Pause.
When I find myself getting stuck in my head, thinking about my ex, I like to take a moment to pause and come back to my body. Thoughts don’t live in your body. Truth and pleasure live in your body. Take a slow, deep breath and feel your body. Then move on to steps three and/or four.
Inquire.
Ask your body what it needs right now. Maybe it’s a specific kind of touch or play or maybe your body wants to curl up and cry. I absolutely love having projects that keep me busy-- painting, playing guitar, writing, cooking. I find that pouring myself into these projects keeps my mind occupied and quiets a lot of those thoughts.
Create a mantra.
If you don’t have the time to be with your body right now, another strategy I like to use is the mantra strategy. Every time you have a thought pop up about your ex, recite a mantra like “I am bigger, stronger, and more powerful than my thoughts. I have the power to make it through this breakup.”
If you still find yourself constantly thinking about your ex, I encourage you to take the leap and go no-contact with them. This is an agreement you make with yourself to completely cut ties for a certain period of time. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I guarantee you it will preserve your energy so you can take this time to focus on yourself and heal.
Here’s the last thing I want you to know: you will make it through this.
If you’re seeking out information on how to stop thinking about an ex, you’re on your way. I know it’s a tough journey, but it will not feel like this forever. Take it one day at a time and you’ll slowly start to heal. There will come a day when you won’t think about your ex at all, and it’ll feel so good!
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