Supporting a Friend Through a Breakup
You have a friend going through a breakup, and you’re searching the internet high and low for a way to help them through this painful time.
The first thing you should know is that you’re a really great friend, and anybody would be lucky to have you by their side. Seriously, a hard breakup is made worse when the person going through it feels isolated and alone. Just being caring enough to look for solutions makes you a really important companion for your friend while they’re on the peak of this emotional roller coaster.
Having supported numerous friends through the breakup process, I can tell you, it’s truly a transformational experience your friend is going through. It’s a chance for her/him to heal their heartbreak, recalibrate their life, and emerge a transformed human. And here’s a bonus: it’s a chance for you to deepen your friendship. One of the best lessons I learned in my breakup was the power of sisterhood and friendship for healing. To this day, they are still some of the most important and supportive relationships in my life.
To help your friend through the breakup process, I’ve put together a little toolbox of tips for you. Through the years of helping numerous friends through breakups and having been through a number of them myself, here is the best advice I can offer for helping your friend through a breakup.
Supporting your friend through a breakup:
Stay unattached to the process.
You might have an idea of where they should be or what they should be doing. This could include messages like “just get back out there” or “it’s time to get over him/her” or “you weren’t even dating that long”. Don’t force her/his process. Your friend is going through a lot of pain and healing. And that journey won’t look like anyone else’s journey.
I like to think of a breakup like a dark, messy tunnel. Your friend is going through the tunnel, and you’re waiting for them on the other side. But you don’t know how long or winding or downright sloppy it’s going to get. And you can’t change the course; it’s totally out of your control (that lesson took me a while to learn; I love to be in control of everything). Just being the light at the other end and knowing that they’ll emerge when the time is right is the best way to support them.
Let your friend know you’re available.
Your friend may or may not open up about their breakup experience right away. Many people hold a lot of shame around this, especially if they were the one that was broken up with. Let them know that you’re a safe space to share their heart and you will not judge.
One way to do this is to share your own breakup experience with your friend, saying something like “I remember when I was breaking up with so-and-so, and I just cried in bed for days and felt so lonely. Nobody should feel that way, so if you need someone to just listen, I’m here for you”. If you can’t relate to how your friend is feeling, you can say something like “I know you’re going through a hard time. Do you want me to make you tea and you can talk and cry about it?”
Be a shoulder to cry on.
A lot of feelings will come up if they haven’t already: anger, sadness, resentment, relief, regret. They’ll come and go in waves, and usually at the most inopportune times (like at the grocery store or in the middle of a work meeting). Sometimes those waves of feelings can make other people (including ourselves) feel uncomfortable, in which case our natural tendency may be to respond with: “it’s ok, don’t cry” or “why are you so mad?”.
Remember, your friend is on their own journey, and you’re not here to judge it. Your job is to give approval for the whole messy range of emotions they’re going to experience. Personally, I love when my friends cry because it builds intimacy between us and deepens our friendship. She/he doesn’t have to keep it all together. They’re allowed to be messy. Let them know that.
Listen more than you talk.
We humans tend to have this bad habit of listening to talk. We listen while waiting for our turn to talk, which means we’re not present while we’re listening. So what we’re doing isn’t actually listening at all. When your friend is talking about her/his breakup, unloading it all on you, just listen. And then listen some more.
Right now, the best gift you can give your friend is a grounded support structure to lean on. You don’t have to fix anything. If you can’t hold back, offer some feedback like “I really feel you” or “that must be painful” and prompt them to continue with “what else?” or “tell me more about that”. Only offer advice if she/he explicitly asks for it. Otherwise, your steadiness and selfless listening is worth its weight in gold.
Send your friend to this blog.
This little corner of the internet was created for people just like your friend. Beyond this article, I’ve got tons of blog posts, videos, and additional resources to help ease this blow and move her/him pleasurably (yes, breakups can be pleasurable) through this journey to the other side. Text them the link to this blog so they know they’re not alone. You can also send them the link to download my Breakup Recovery Kit, which includes a workbook and journal prompts to support them through this journey.
Again, I can’t emphasize how great of a friend you are for seeking out support. This person is really lucky to have you on their side during this breakup. So give them a call, whip up a batch of their favorite brownies, make them some tea, and be that grounding support they’re desiring right now. With your support, your friend will turn this breakup into a huge breakthrough!