Reclaim Your Power After a Breakup
It’s not uncommon to feel completely exhausted after your breakup. Of course the breakup itself can be draining, but oftentimes this feeling is a result of gradually giving away your power over the course of the relationship.
Picture it like this: your power is a jar of fireflies.
When your jar is full of fireflies, your light is at its brightest (i.e. your boundaries are firm, you love and respect yourself to the fullest, you fearlessly speak your feelings, fears, and desires).
But one day, you open the lid a little bit and let a firefly out of the jar (i.e. you don’t speak up for yourself, something happens and you lose a little bit of trust, you allow a boundary to be violated, etc.). You don’t notice when just one leaves. But then it happens again and again. Once a few are gone, your light is noticeably dimmer. Then a few more leave and it’s even dimmer.
By the time you walk away from the relationship, your jar is practically empty and almost completely dark.
What does it actually look like to give away your power? Giving away your power can come in many different forms. Any of the following are good indicators that you gave away your power during the relationship:
Waiting for your partner to initiate s3x, invite you on a date, or start a conversation.
Holding back your true emotions from your partner.
Withdrawing when your feelings get hurt.
Holding yourself back from growth opportunities (personal or professional).
Prioritizing your partner’s opinion over your own intuition.
Complaining about your relationship/partner to your friends.
Refraining from setting boundaries.
If you were unconsciously giving away your power over the course of the relationship, it’s understandable that you walk away feeling completely drained.
I walked away from my relationship feeling like a total shell of myself, but I didn’t really feel it until I was alone with myself after the breakup. My power was completely depleted, like a wilted flower. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself-- I had bags under my eyes, I was carrying a few extra pounds, I was drinking a lot, and I wanted to isolate myself.
A friend called me one day to invite me to a women’s retreat in Bali. Something deep inside me told me to go. So I said yes, knowing very few details about the retreat, including how I was going to pay for it.
That retreat changed the entire trajectory of my life-- I built deep nourishing connections with new friends, I healed so much body shame, and I uncovered my passion to become a breakup coach. That was the beginning of my power reclamation.
After that retreat, I made a commitment to myself that I would never give my power away to a partner ever again.
So you may be asking yourself, “that’s great, but if I don’t have access to a retreat in Bali, how am I supposed to get my power back?”
Reclaiming your power after a breakup is a gradual process of finding one lost firefly at a time and putting it back in your jar. It doesn’t happen overnight. The same way your power drains over time, it takes time to recover that power and fill your cup again.
Here are a few ways you can reclaim your power after a breakup:
Go no contact!
Cut off all communication with your ex. Put them completely out of your sight so you can focus all of your attention and energy on your own healing. Being in touch with your ex is a huge energy leak. Turn off that leaky faucet to protect your power. Check out the Ultimate Guide to Going No-Contact for the exact process for how to execute a no-contact container.
Daily practices.
Implementing daily practices like stretching, journaling, or meditation into your life allow you to connect with your inner self and get to know who you are. We so often rely on the outside world to tell us what we need or what’s missing. And we often ignore the most powerful tool of all: our intuition. Daily practices help you build a deeper connection with your intuition, reclaiming your power one day at a time.
Learn something new.
What is something you’ve always wanted to learn that you haven’t gotten a chance to? This is the time to take that class or go down that rabbit hole. Learning something new opens you up to new possibilities for your future. You never know where that class might lead or who you might meet along the way.
Create something.
Get in touch with your inner rock star, artist, writer, builder, or inventor. Pouring your energy into a creative project keeps your mind busy and gives you a sense of purpose. Back in 2015, my best friend and I both went through breakups at similar times, and we decided to start a YouTube channel about crafting. We had so much fun, we got to be creative, and it was a healing experience for both of us.
Date yourself.
Take yourself out! Get to know who this new version of YOU is-- what do you like? What do you loathe? What turns you on? For more inspiration, check out my guide on dating yourself here.
Solo travel.
Take yourself on the ultimate date by treating yourself to a trip. I absolutely love to travel by myself because I get to everything I want to do without worrying if I’m inconveniencing anyone or taking too much time at a certain place. Go on a trip with you and your desire and see what possibilities you encounter.
Build new friendships.
You are the average of your five closest friends, so take a look around you. Who are you spending most of your time with? And more importantly, how do you feel in their presence? A breakup is an opportunity to reassess how you’ve set up your life. Are your friends and family lighting you up? Or are they draining your power? Some of your closest breakup buddies you may have yet to meet. Who are they and where do they hang out? Finding this core group of friends will support you in reclaiming your power after the breakup.
Invest in yourself.
Think about what you spend your money on. Every dollar you spend says something about you and what you value. Some people spend money on designer clothes, others spend money on organic food, still others spend money on nice gifts for their friends. How much money are you spending on your wellness and personal growth? Once I started investing in my personal growth (coaches, therapy, empowering retreats), I saw my relationships completely shift, I felt differently in my body, I found myself enjoying my life so much more. The ROI on investing in yourself is astronomical!
What’s possible when you reclaim your power after a breakup? A life you can’t even imagine yet.
Be gentle with yourself here and remember it’s a step-by-step process to reclaim your power. Some days you may feel like you took a step backward. And other days it’ll be two steps forward. This doesn’t happen overnight. Little by little, you’ll start to see gradual changes in your life. You’ll feel sparkly again, and you will once again start to recognize that incredibly powerful person in the mirror!
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