The Ultimate Guide to Going No-Contact
Going no-contact after a breakup can sometimes feel harder than the breakup itself. When you make the choice to cut off contact with your ex, it can feel like breaking your heart all over again.
But here’s the difference: you are reclaiming a bit of your power in the process of going no-contact. After a breakup, you have a choice between healing and suffering. When you go no-contact after a breakup, you are choosing the healing path (even though it may feel incredibly painful in the moment).
The no-contact journey looks different for everybody. You may be reading this thinking, “this feels impossible for me.”
Maybe you’re still living with your ex.
Maybe you have kids together.
Maybe you work together.
Maybe you have been together for so long that your finances and personal belongings are so intertwined.
Or maybe you feel so scared to be without your ex.
I have seen all kinds of no-contact situations. Going no-contact is absolutely possible for you, but you have to create it in a way that works for you and your life.
The simplest way to sum it up is that the no-contact conversation is a boundaries conversation.
If you’re looking for additional support around setting this boundary, you’ll definitely want to check out the No-Contact Survival Guide course where I walk you step-by-step through this process.
My No-Contact Journey
“Please give me space for the next two months and don’t reach out…”
Shaking, I sent the voice note that kickstarted our no-contact container.
I was devastated. This was not how I wanted the relationship to end. But it was clear we weren’t going to move forward toward a future I desired.
And I needed to take care of myself and my heart.
➵ I knew staying in touch would help me feel less lonely.
➵ I knew having the option to talk to him would help me feel loved and appreciated.
➵ I knew keeping the door open would help me avoid feeling heartbroken.
But I also knew he wasn’t going to change his mind about me, and I wasn’t going to want less. And staying in connection with this man was just a pause button— a painful, drawn-out delay of the inevitable.
So I let him go and let myself grieve. And it turned out to be the best choice I made for myself.
In this article, I will give you the steps for going no-contact after a breakup and creating an experience that works for you!
Before we dive into the steps to going no-contact after a breakup, I want to first manage your expectations because there are a lot of misconceptions about the no-contact process.
Here’s what going no-contact is NOT about:
No-contact is not about manipulation or playing hard to get so your ex comes back.
No-contact is not about finding someone else so you can forget about your ex.
No-contact is not a strategy to make your ex miss you.
No-contact is not about playing games.
No-contact is not rude or mean or insincere or evil.
No-contact does not make you a bad person.
And no-contact does not ruin any chance of your ex coming back.
No-contact is a gift you give yourself so you can reconnect with your desires, your dreams, your passion, your light. The more you bring attention to yourself and your own healing path, the better off you’ll be.
The No-Contact Container
A no-contact container is a set amount of time that you declare you will not be in connection with your ex. There is no concrete amount of time to set your no-contact container, but I recommend somewhere between 30 and 90 days, depending on the extent of your heartbreak.
Why set a container? Containers create safety and security. When you set a container, your mind can rest easy knowing there is going to be an end to this. By resting into a container like this, you will create the conditions within which you can truly start to heal.
The No-Contact Process
I’ve broken down this process into some digestible steps so you can ease yourself into going no-contact. If you are looking to fully dive in, I recommend checking out the No-Contact Survival Guide course. I have tons of resources to help you move through this portal, plus a workbook and videos for each step.
Set your intention
Get really clear on your goal here. Why are you choosing to go no-contact in the first place (because this blog post told me to isn’t a good enough intention)? What is your desired outcome from no-contact? When you have a clear intention, you can then start to build out your roadmap to help you get there.
Create a contingency plan
The contingency plan is crucial. This is your safety net. Going no-contact after a breakup is like walking a tightrope. It is tough, it takes a lot of dedication, and you may wobble. What does your safety net look like? If you have no idea where to start, I will guide you through the exact things your contingency plan needs in the No-Contact Survival Guide course. In less than an hour, you can have a crystal clear plan for yourself and be ready for the most epic healing journey of your life.
Write an agreement
What boundaries do you need to set for yourself during this time? This is the part where you explicitly outline what boundaries you are committed to upholding for the duration of the no-contact container. This may require you blocking your ex on social media or deleting their number from your phone. This is the part where you get to be painfully honest with yourself and decide what conditions you need to create to heal. When you enroll in the No-Contact Survival Guide course, you will get access to my No-Contact Contract template that you can fill out and use to support your journey.
Set your boundary
Now’s the time to set those boundaries. For some people, this may be an opportunity to communicate your no-contact boundaries with your ex and ask for them to respect your request. For others, you may just dive into no-contact without saying a word to your ex. Since every breakup is different, I can’t tell you exactly how to navigate this part of the process. Ask yourself: what feels safest for you?
Celebrate yourself
When we stretch ourselves to do something uncomfortable, like set a firm boundary, we can tend to immediately contract afterward-- to retreat, hide, feel guilty, feel regretful, etc. But you just did a hard thing and you deserve to celebrate yourself for that. This is a HUGE win! How are you going to acknowledge and celebrate yourself in a special way?
Start healing
Now you get to move forward and create the new YOU post-breakup. This is your chance to fill up your cup and fall in love with yourself. Dive into what you love. Tap into your communities. And when you feel like you want to reach out to your ex, that’s when you go to your contingency plan!
I want to reiterate— you are not choosing the easy path here: you are choosing the powerful path! The path to healing will be hard, it will be painful, and there will be moments of weakness.
That’s why it’s so important to have structure and support all around you. The No-Contact Survival Guide course will give you exactly that. This is a self-guided program with videos that hold your hand every step of the way. Go grab the course right now, and you can be on your way to healing within a few hours.
