Why Can't I Get Over My Ex?
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If you’re asking the question: “why can’t I get over my ex?” it’s probably been a while since the breakup– maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months, maybe even a year or more. And you’re getting to the point where the frustration, irritation, and/or exhaustion is getting the best of you. It’s like you’re stuck in a limbo of suffering– even the smallest things can set off a barrage of memories and make you feel like you’re back to the beginning.
When clients come to me asking “why can’t I get over my ex?” the answers always vary.
In this article, I’m going to give you a number of reasons why you may be struggling to get over your ex, and some resources/tools to help you through it.
However, a blog post is not a substitute for real, deep healing. If you’re really struggling to get over your ex, to the point where you aren’t able to function in your everyday life, I highly recommend you consult with a therapist or breakup coach to see how you can get some support through this tender time.
So let’s get into it. Why can’t I get over my ex? Here are some potential reasons:
You are attached.
Human beings learn how to love by mirroring the love and attention we received from our original caregivers. The way we attach to romantic partners is directly correlated with how well our parents (or caregivers) were able to meet our needs as children. This is the root of Attachment Theory.
If you’re wondering why can’t I get over my ex, one reason may be that you feel a deep attachment to them, and the fear of unattaching can be traumatizing. Think about it– as a child, we couldn’t unattach from our caregivers. We needed them for food, shelter, and other basic needs. Without them, we wouldn’t have survived. If you have an insecure attachment style, there is a primal part of you that feels dependent on your ex for survival (just like you were on your parents), even though the truth is you will survive just fine without them (and one day you will actually thrive without them).
You may be in this breakup limbo because your nervous system does not feel safe completely detaching. To learn more about attachment theory and to pinpoint your specific attachment style, I highly recommend the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love.
You are buying the stories you’re telling yourself.
Our brains are very good at creating meaning out of everything. We can turn the smallest situations into major dramatic, apocalyptic events. Here are a few examples:
The thing that happened: They didn’t text me back right away.
The meaning I made: They met someone else and they’re running off with them.
The thing that happened: They posted a new Instagram story.
The meaning I made: They forgot all about me and they’re so happy in their new life.
The thing that happened: They said “goodnight”.
The meaning I made: They miss me and probably want to get back together eventually.
The thing that happened: The s3x was really passionate.
The meaning I made: I will never be able to have that kind of s3xual connection with anybody else ever again.
All of these events are 100% neutral– not good or bad. They just are. They happened as fact. We get tripped up in the story we create about the event. Notice where you’re making unnecessary meaning out of meaningless events. That will help your brain separate the story about what happened from the reality of the situation.
Your ego isn’t ready to let your ex go.
A breakup is a real blow to the ego. It’s humiliating to say goodbye to someone who we once believed would be our forever person. The ego hates humiliation and wants to avoid it at all costs– the ego’s only job is to look good. So be brutally honest with yourself here: are you truly ready to move on? If you are, the next part of this post will give you some guidance on how to begin the process. But if you are not, you may have to wrestle with your ego a little longer, until it finally gives in and lets go.
I hope the answers above provided you some clarity to the question: why can’t I get over my ex? Sometimes, getting over your ex can be as simple as knowing your attachment style or identifying the story your brain is telling you.
Don’t underestimate the power of noticing.
As much as you may want to immediately skip to the next part (the doing), it’s important to slow down and really get in touch with the part of you that’s stuck here.
When you’re ready to take some action, the following practices can help you finally move on, once and for all.
Shift Your Focus!
Asking the question, “why can’t I get over my ex” over and over again is keeping your attention on that person. Are you noticing how much they are dominating your thoughts right now? This is called external focus. To start letting go and unattaching, it takes a shift from external focus to internal focus. Focus on taking exquisite care of yourself, giving yourself what you need right now, and deepening your self-worth. Letting go of your ex starts and ends with you! You have everything you need within you to move through this painful breakup. If you have no clue where to start, I highly recommend checking out this self-worth video series created by my friend and fellow coach Evin Rose. She’s a total expert on all things related to worthiness.
Boundaries!
Have you gone no-contact yet? The fastest way to move on and heal is to create some airtight boundaries for yourself, and that means going no-contact. The ego really doesn’t like this one, and you will probably get a whole lot of objections from that part of you. So if you need some extra love and support, check out The Ultimate Guide to Going No-Contact.
Get Into Your Body
So much of the stuckness you’re feeling is happening in your head– in your racing thoughts. You can’t simultaneously be in your head AND your body. When you come into your body, whether it’s through sensual movement, dance, yoga, or other grounding practices, you will quiet the voices in your head. And BONUS– you will also become more internally focused. Getting into your body is always a win/win!
Create a support system.
When I was going through my breakup, I had a coach, a therapist, and a deep & loving sisterhood of women. They were my healing squad– always reminding me why I was on this journey and showing me the woman I was becoming. You do not have to walk this path alone. And, in fact, it’s much more painful and laborious when you try to do it on your own. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to find your support sisterhood, either virtually or in-person!
As I mentioned above, watching YouTube videos and reading articles like this are enlightening and helpful. However, they are NOT substitutes for real, deep healing. So really work on integrating the information in this article– work with a breakup coach, join a support group, or find a practice partner to help you take these concepts/practices and build them into your life.
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