Guide to Getting Over a Breakup
The pain of a breakup is palpable. It cuts right through you, leaving you cracked open and vulnerable to the world.
This is not an easy process, friend! You are losing a significant person in your life, a person you once loved and shared most of your time with. No matter the circumstances of the breakup (whether you’re the one being broken up with or you’re the one doing the breaking up), you’re probably feeling a lot of feelings toward that person.
I’ve been there. I’ve been in the muddy aftermath of breakups where I never wanted to get out of bed or the middle of a business meeting where I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer. I’ve felt lost, confused, and alone, and I had no idea how to feel better...or if I ever would.
I have suffered in silence. And it only exacerbated the pain.
Luckily, you don’t have to do it alone. After talking to countless people about their breakups, I’ve created a list of tools you can use so you don’t have to suffer in silence like I did. As a rule of thumb with all my advice, take what you want and leave the rest. Some of these tips will resonate with you, others won’t. You are the author of your post-breakup journey. Take the pen and create a future that works for you.
Feel your feelings.
You are experiencing a lot of grief right now. You’re not only grieving the loss of that person; you’re grieving the loss of the future you thought you’d have together. And in some cases, you’re also grieving the person you thought you knew.
So don’t be surprised if you find yourself moving through all the stages of grief. Denial may come up. Let it come up and move through you. Sadness may come up. Let it come. Guilt, rage, joy, resentment, relief, fear-- open yourself up to all of it. It’s going to be uncomfortable. The more you lean into these feelings, the faster they’ll pass.
Lean on your friends.
Friendships are essential support structures during this time, but be selective about the people you’re surrounding yourself with. You are tending to some open wounds that require really gentle love and care. Choose to spend your healing time with people who understand this and who make you feel great. If you feel compelled, guide your friend to my article about supporting a friend through a breakup.
Seek extra support.
Your friends really care about you and want what’s best for you. But that can also mean that they have really strong opinions about your process. That’s where a breakup coach or therapist can offer support. A great coach/therapist will hold space for all your emotions, allowing you to move through this grief at your own pace, and give you loving + honest feedback to help you move to the other side of this breakup. My most pleasurable breakups (yes, breaking up can be pleasurable) happened because I was working with a therapist or coach at the time. So don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. And if you’re curious about working with a coach, you can get in touch with me to learn more.
Keep a breakup journal.
Journaling is such an underrated tool for mending your broken heart. I’m a huge fan of using journaling for processing your breakup, reflecting on what you want for your future relationships, and documenting your progress. Journaling is therapeutic! Go treat yourself to a really beautiful breakup journal (because not just any old notebook is worthy of your most precious thoughts). Want to learn more about breakup journaling? Check out my guide on starting a breakup journal.
Date yourself.
Guess what? You’ve already met the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with and that’s YOU! This is the time to get to know her. What does she love to do? When does she feel sexiest? How does she want to be treated? Treat this person with exquisite care so that when you meet a new potential partner, you know exactly how she deserves to be treated, and you’ll settle for nothing less! Check out my guide to dating yourself after a breakup here.
Take exquisite care of yourself.
It can be easy to drown your feelings in pints of Ben & Jerry’s and glasses of Chardonnay, but those vices are just short-term bandaids. They actually push down and numb your feelings, keeping all that icky energy inside of you. If you’re really committed to turning your breakup into a huge breakthrough and coming out the other end a transformed woman, put some extra attention on your health. You’ll heal faster, you’ll feel great when you’re ready to date again, and you’ll get to show off that post-breakup glow.
Date with unattachment.
Once you’ve done the work to heal your broken heart and you feel like you’re ready to play, get back out there and start dating again. Dating is social, it’s an excuse to get dressed up, and it’s a chance to practice everything you’ve learned during your breakup (asking for what you want, receiving, setting boundaries, etc.). And the best way to approach dating during this time? Being totally unattached to the outcome! When you set out to date with zero expectations of anyone being your next beau, you’ll release a lot of the pressure around dating and just enjoy the fun of it all!
The most important part is to take your time and don’t judge your process. Where you are right now is perfect and totally ok!
“The healing will happen in the small victories.”
The hurt will not disappear overnight. You will still have days where you won’t want to get out of bed. But those days will be fewer and further between. The healing will happen in the small victories: when you can hold a conversation without thinking about your ex, when something completely unrelated to your breakup fills you with laughter, when you have something to celebrate and your ex is NOT the first person you want to call.
