What to Do When Your Ex Moves on First
It can be really hard to see your ex move on first, especially if you’re still heartbroken from the breakup and you’re holding on to hope of getting back together or having a friendship.
The first thing to know is this means nothing about you. If your ex moves on first, it does not mean you are unlovable or not good enough. We will tell ourselves a lot of stories when our ex jumps into a new relationship, stories that are completely made up.
Some examples of “stories” (or beliefs) that come up are:
“I’m not sexy enough”
“I’m too much”
“Maybe I was being too needy”
“I’m unlovable”
“I’m not worthy of a great partner”
“My ex is more desirable than me”
The beautiful thing about these stories is that you created them, so you get to recreate them to actually serve your healing journey!
Here’s a simple exercise you can do to rewrite those stories:
Take some time to notice what stories come up for you around your ex moving on first (aka anything you tell yourself that disempowers you).
Create two columns in your breakup journal: a column on the left for “the old story” and a column on the right for “the new story”.
In the left column, make a list of those disempowering stories in your breakup journal.
Then, take each of those stories and turn them into a positive mantra for yourself in the right column. For example, a story I have is that I’m not skinny enough for my ex. I will rewrite that story as “I have a body that is fun to love and has a lot of love to give.” Or a story that “I’m too much” might be rewritten as “I have a wild personality, and every man is lucky to be in my presence.”
Continue this practice as many times as you need to start rewiring your brain to believe the rewritten stories.
Once you start rewriting those stories and believing them, you’ll begin to heal and realize that you and your ex are on two completely different journeys. You cannot understand or predict what is going on in your ex’s life. But you can claim power over your own life by adhering to some of the following tips:
Go no-contact.
First and foremost, get as much distance from your ex as possible. The wound is fresh and open. You need to give yourself space by setting boundaries for yourself. This might mean blocking that person on social media for a while (I know, it’s a tough one). The more you see of your ex’s new relationship, the more it will hurt, so give yourself some space from it. You can’t walk away from the house with one foot in the door. Do everything you can to avoid looking at the evidence of their new relationship.
“You can’t walk away from the house with one foot in the door.”
don’t compare.
This is not a competition, so avoid comparing yourself to the new person. That thinking only hurts you and keeps you stuck on their relationship. But you’re not part of their relationship (nor do you want to be). You cannot begin to predict what that new person is like or what they struggle with. You don’t know the situation with that new girl (or guy) and your ex. They are on their own journey and you are on yours. There are no winners and there are no losers.
Feel your feelings.
You’re probably feeling a lot right now: anger, resentment, jealousy, sadness, guilt. During my breakup, I would spontaneously break out in tears during business meetings. The stages of grief are real! The beautiful thing about human beings is this range of emotion we’re able to feel. You have this deep capacity to feel a lot of emotions (it’s actually a real gift), so let yourself feel them and know that they will pass.
Share with someone you trust.
Open up to someone close to you, someone who you love and trust with your heart. Ask that person to just listen and not fix. Tell them how you’re feeling and pour all your emotions out. If possible, reach out to a breakup coach or a therapist to help you through this emotional time.
Focus on your own journey.
What can you do to make yourself feel amazing? Maybe get dressed up and take yourself out to a fancy dinner. Or draw yourself a luxurious bubble bath with candles. Your heart is tender right now. Be kind to yourself. Check out my guide to dating yourself after a breakup for all kinds of tips and ideas for how you can take exquisite care of yourself right now.
